If you don’t have anything good to say…

That’s pretty much where I’m at.

I have had quite the week. And it’s not over. A week ago today, my best friend took his life. His wife called to tell me that night. I’m still amazed at her strength. I wish I could be there more for her. She’s on the other side of the country. Of course we have no idea why. I knew things were pretty intense, but I had no idea they were that intense. The irony? He helped pull me out of my depression and lay the foundation for the path on which I travel today. I am trying so hard to stay positive. His mom called me this morning to thank me for the note that I sent out and to see how I was doing. I said I’m trying really hard to pick myself up. I told her that it would be a disservice to him if I let this drag me down and my life came to a halt. I would be undoing all of his hard work. She said that she never looked at it that way, but that was a good perspective to have. I still see signs of him all over. I swear he’s not too far away. You can bet that I will be taking him with me to school next week.

My bestie stayed with me all weekend. I really don’t know what I would do without her. She was lucky enough to have met my friend too. One of my fondest memories includes the both of them. She has been there for me through thick and thin too. This is one time that I’ve needed her the most and she’s been right there. Thank God for her.

To add to everything, I have to go to family court tomorrow. I try hard not to talk about it. I just pray that everything goes in my son’s favor.

And then there’s been the school preparation. I pretty much have everything ready to go. What a lot of work! I’ve said this before… If I wasn’t so passionate about what I want to do, it would have just been easier to sit on my butt and do nothing. But since I don’t roll like that and I actually want to move forward, I will do what I can to make sure that is going to happen.

I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I don’t know the reason why my friend made the decision to leave, but he had his reasons. Just like I believe school is happening now for a lot of reasons. One being that it will be a coping tool for such a big loss. It won’t make the pain go away, but it will certainly be a great distraction. I won’t allow this to take away from my experience… I could see my friend coming back to kick my ass if I did!

I went out today to get some more felting supplies. I picked up a couple of books over the weekend. One of them actually had me laughing out loud! So that got the felt bug going again. I think I’m going to give into it right now. I have some sweaters that I need to do, but I just don’t have the drive to knit right now. I’m sure it’ll be back by the weekend. It has to be. There’s one that I want to have finished before I start school for sure.

As for school shopping, that’s done. And I’m sure you’re assuming everything is purple… Yep! Including my computer. It’s called Sweet Purple. Yep, cuz it’s sweeeeet and it’s purple 😀 I also got a rolling tote to put my sewing machine in. Bet you can’t guess the colour of it! I love it. Twenty years later and everything is still the same colour!

I’m so thankful tomorrow is the last day of August. I’m so glad to get this month done. I don’t know about anyone else, but I just feel that tomorrow is going to be a day of closure. September starts a new chapter in my life. The reading this summer has been pretty crappy. But the adventure portion is about to begin!


6 thoughts on “If you don’t have anything good to say…

  1. I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. I believe that the only reason a person takes their own life is due to depression. You have every right to be sad. The future is also waiting for you and I hope that September brings you many smiles 🙂 Judy

  2. Thank you Judy. I spoke to his wife the other night and she has since found out some things that shed some light on the situation. It doesn’t make it better or easier, but at least she’s not blaming herself anymore. Depression certainly was a factor. All we can do is pray that he has found the peace that he was so desperately seeking.

  3. This is so sad. My heart goes out to all of you. Depression comes from many sources, but the clinical depression, the monster that has no shelf life but just keeps on and on; that’s the hardest to manage. Situational depression can be resolved with time and healing. I am so sorry. I wish I could say something besides the usual platitudes. I hope your new goal in life, your education, will help you through this. I hope someday we have a cure for this insidious and lethal disease.

  4. Thank you. I think one of the biggest thing we can do is get the conversation going about depression. It affects more people than we know. Not just the ones suffering, but everyone else around them. There’s also the fear of being labelled “crazy” (my ex is trying so hard to run with that). There is so much help out there. But the trick is getting the courage to ask. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s either a chemical imbalance, the situation or in my case in the past, both.

    The other thing I wanted to mention is if you feel symptoms, ask your doctor to check your thyroid levels. Mine was out of whack. There are other factors that caused it, including the situation. But quite often the thyroid will do it and quite often that is overlooked.

    • I am so sorry for your loss, and just wanted to add you are right about thyroid levels. My husband knew he had thyroid problems but stopped taking his meds thinking it wasn’t that important. When I finally got him back to the doctor he said the difference he felt back on his medicine was amazing. Before, he said he would be doing nothing particular and a sense of dread and fear would pull him down with no reason. The doctors said his thyroid isn’t working at all, so something he needs to deal with. Not easy when he fears going to the doctors.

      I am glad I found your blog. you are so lucky to be studying something you love to do. I would LOVE to study textiles and fibre!

      • Thank you.

        I also stopped taking my meds for a weeks or so. It’s an invisible ailment, so sometimes you wonder if it’s really there. And sure enough, it impacted me too. Very similar to what you’re describing. I am going to start a quest to see if there is a way to treat it naturally. I REALLY hate putting processed medication into my body. Of course I’m not going to mess around with it until I do my research and talk to my doctor, but that won’t stop me from researching an alternative.

        Taking this course certainly didn’t come with out sacrifices. I fled an abusive relationship with my baby. We were in a woman’s shelter with nowhere to go. That was three years ago in December. Taking this course has been a HUGE leap of faith. Initially, I wasn’t sure where I was going to go with it. It is something that I have always wanted to do though. So the way I looked it… “Hurray for rock bottom! If it’s the wrong choice, I can’t sink any further!” I now know that it was one of the BEST decisions I have ever made in my life. The heart wants what the heart wants, right? 🙂

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